To mark the launch of our Extremely Chocolatey Chocolate Bar Chart print, Phil has dug deep into the annals of chocolate bar history to remind us of some of the bars that didn't make the grade and instead got relegated to the newsagents in the sky.
Aztec Infamous for the TV Advertisement with featured a beautiful Aztec virgin being sacrificed in honour of the God of Chocolate.... or am I getting that mixed up with the late night double-bill horror films also from the 60's.
Fry’s 5 Centre Dark rich chocolate covering five equally unfruit-like hardened centres that resembled something found in the Dr Who prop storeroom cupboard. One to send any god-willing soul straight to hell.... but quite delicious washed down with a glass or two of Watneys Party Four.
KitKat Senses The one which has the advertisement featuring Girls Aloud, who allegedly used to gorge themselves on huge quantities of the bars to keep there figures so trim. Sold in great container loads before the public came to their senses.
Old Jamaica Aimed at a more elderly target audience, Old Jamaica was the only bar of chocolate in history that could get you completely pissed due to it’s large quantities of Rum that was instilled within it. Sadly it tasted (and looked) like dead flies covered in brown plasticine and soon went down with the ship that was featured on it’s wrapper.
Spoiler alert: Old Jamaica has been relaunched, minus ship.
Cadbury’s Twenties A genius idea to create a chocolate wrapper to resemble cigarette packaging, now you could get 2 of your 5 a day in one swoop. If only someone could do the opposite and make cigarette packaging to look like chocolate wrappers then we would have kids puffing away in every school yard up and down the country.
One for the posh kids therefore our local newsagent was banned from stocking them. An upmarket Caramel bar that went to boarding school.
Cadbury’s Milk Tray Bar Like having a whole box of Milk Tray all to yourself, but in reality it wasn’t and it had the addition of a Lime Cordial centre which if you got some on your shoe would burn a hole in them. Cadbury’s dispensed using the Milk Tray Man for the TV advertisement and used Jimmy Krankie instead with the tagline “Because the lady loves the Milk Man”
Amazin’ Raisin Bar What’s the worse thing you can put in a chocolate bar for kids? Nougatine and raisins! Then call it Amazin’, which it wasn’t.... but I kind of liked it, especially when I had to pick out the raisins out of my teeth with flathead screwdriver.
Texan Bar A chocolate covered caramel bar who’s caramel content had the density of hardened tarmac. It therefore became the nations number one filling puller sending many a poor soul back to the dentist chair. Such little joy for so much pain.
Marathon Ok I know it changed it’s name to Snickers but I had to put it in for my favorite joke I tell to sporty types I know, “I used to do a Marathon a week.... until they changed it’s name to Snickers”. Boom, boom!
Words and memories by Phil Skegg.
Grainy images of slightly faded wrappers courtesy of 'tinternet
If you don't now feel sick after thinking about all that chocolate...take a look at our Extremely Chocolatey Chocolate Bar Chart featuring over 30 bars which have stood the test of time and made their way into our hearts (and tummies).